Twenty years ago, two entire decades ago, my mom was in a new york hospital getting ready to welcome her first child.

It is so very hard to understand and comprehend and accept. I feel like I have lived a lifetime- well, since I have, since my lifetime is my own and… it makes sense to me.

And I feel so young. My first internship I was seventeen and working with twenty three and twenty four year-olds. and I’m not even their age yet! I have so many years to grow and learn, whole, full, long and wonderful years. 

I have a new years resolution though. and since my birthday is not really but almost kind of new years, my birthday wish and new years resolution can be considered the same? close enough? it’s like each new year is a new age for me, it’s quite fun how it all aligns just right. 

anyway. it has been and will always be to make the next year even better than the last. and it’s been working rather well and I’ve been having such incredible adventures and making fantastic friendships and learning amazing things. with each year I gain more responsibility and independence and strength. 

I think now that my age no longer ends in a -teen, I might command a bit more respect and authority. It will be interesting to see how that changes things, if at all. for some reason the difference between nineteen and twenty seem a far bigger gap than eighteen and nineteen, which is nothing. 

Twenty. 

I can now sing the tegan and sara song nineteen with full honestly, as the lyrics are “i WAS nineteen” and until this very moment (or three hours ago) it was all a lie. This is pretty special. 

I feel rather special. to have such a wonderful life and to be doing exciting things. I say i want to make each year better but it wouldn’t be without my relentlessly extraordinary family and my collection of strong and beautiful friends. and this year i had a silly bird, my evan, to come along for the ride. 

some people say they wish they were children again, feel so old at such a young age. I would never want to be seven again. It was fantastic, but you are so powerless and stupid. but really. I would never want to give up the knowledge I have pressed into folds of my memory, i would never want to unread all of those books or unlisten to all of those concerts. how awful. seven was fun and great but nineteen, oh wow nineteen was magically and twenty will be bursting of passion and youth and fun. 

goodbye, 2011, goodbye 19. 
you were a year of people, I believe. I met more new people than I did even starting college. New friends, new classes, my job at pie, my internship for girlhattan, my team in germany, all other random people in germany, trader joes crew, the mark front of house, all new people in all new classes…… so so so many new faces and stories, even for just fleeting minutes or weeks. you never know how many people are everywhere until you get to meet the people that are literally everywhere. 

and then there were the constants which i got to grow such great relationships with, bird, remy, my dad, cheryl… so many. 

now here i am again looking at my christmas tree. she’s so beautiful and full with memories and stories and crowned with an angel sewn by my mother herself, glowing with light. so perfect. 

happy holidays, happy new year, happy happy everything always and forever and till then, till next year, a whole full year of things yet to come. I hope yours and mine are filled with adventure and good health and inside jokes and snuggles and great food and beautiful, beautiful things. 

love and be loved, everyone.